We decided to break up

That's right.

After three months of exclusively pumping, I decided to call it quits. It has been an extremely difficult decision and one that I did not take lightly. 

I don't know why but part of me feels like how much milk I can produce is a private thing and I always got a little uncomfortable when people would ask me how my supply was and if Colston was able to latch. But now that I have decided to let my milk dry up, I feel like it's important to explain why. 

Colston and I were robbed of the skin to skin, mommy-baby first time meeting moment, immediately get the baby feeding moment.

After he got cleaned up and weighed after birth, a nurse held him up to my face for only about a minute and then he was whisked away to the NICU. They put in a line for him to get nutrients through because he couldn't eat before his surgery. 

Now, normally moms get the stimulation to get milk flowing starting on day one, whether it be from baby or the pump. I was so sick after my c-section that I wasn't even coherent until about twelve hours after Colston was born, which resulted in me not being able to see him until then. They wouldn't let me see him in the NICU until I hadn't thrown up for at least an hour. 

I didn't try pumping until after his Hybrid surgery when he was three days old. 

Once my milk got flowing, I was able to produce 3-4 ounces per pumping session every 2-3 hours. It was great.

But then more and more problems were happening with Colston in the hospital and I didn't want to leave his side so I was going 4-5 hours in between pumps, sometimes longer. By the time we left the hospital I was getting 1-2 ounces per session. Not as much as before, but still not bad.

Now, for whatever reason, I am lucky if I get 10 mL per session. I have tried lactation cookies, tea, power pumping, Fenugreek....you name it and I have tried it. I even tried having Colston latch a couple times but he wasn't having it, a bottle is so much easier to get milk out of.

 My doctor just prescribed me Reglan to increase my supply but after doing some research I have found that it has some serious side effects that although are uncommon, I am not willing to chance. 

My low supply has been so stressful and has really taken a toll on me emotionally. When Colston was in the hospital it felt so good to pump for him because I felt like it was the only thing I could truly do for him. Part of me feels like I am failing him by quitting. The last couple weeks I have told myself I was going to quit pumping numerous times but always convinced myself to keep going because at least he was getting SOME breast milk in his bottles. As soon as it would be time for me to pump again, I would feel so much hate and disdain that I would get almost depressed. 

So after many conversations with my amazing and supportive husband, I decided to trade all the time I would spend pumping to snuggling on Colston and focusing on my job as a mother and a wife. Colston deserves a happy mom and Justin deserves a happy wife, not one who is continually upset and stressed.

Does he look upset about it?